Today I hid from someone. Someone that I know well, used to work with and we still have contact. She is kind, warm and has a generous heart. She even made me a gluten free cake a couple of years ago for a birthday surprise. Yet today I hid from her…
Our family has been shielding for most of the last year and there are people that I have had no contact from, despite trying to contact them. Some of my lovely, previously supportive friends just haven’t replied to messages and have shut themselves away. They have had to do that in order to survive this crazy rollercoaster of a world pandemic; I get it and love them even if we have no contact right now.
But, at times it has left me wondering if I have done something wrong or upset them in some way. I lived in an abusive situation for some years and the long term consequence of that is that I still carry a sense of everything being my fault (that was what I was led to believe at the time). I have mostly moved on and healed; but there are still little niggles in my mind at times like this, “Was it it something I said or did? Did I forget to do something for them? Am I boring? Are they just fed up of me? Was I too demanding of them?”
So I find myself trying not to be a problem to anyone or placing a demand on them. And sometimes I actually physically hide from people. I feel silly writing this, but I do hide from people so I am going to admit it.
What if I might have brightened the day of the person that I hid from? What if the person I didn’t message, was feeling low and a little hello from me would have put a smile on their face for a few minutes?
Starting from now, I am going to fight the urge to hide and try to bring a little light to someone’s darkness; like the tiny flowers in my photo did for me today. I am a work in progress though, so there may be a few hiccups along the way!