Hiding

Today I hid from someone. Someone that I know well, used to work with and we still have contact. She is kind, warm and has a generous heart. She even made me a gluten free cake a couple of years ago for a birthday surprise. Yet today I hid from her…

Our family has been shielding for most of the last year and there are people that I have had no contact from, despite trying to contact them. Some of my lovely, previously supportive friends just haven’t replied to messages and have shut themselves away. They have had to do that in order to survive this crazy rollercoaster of a world pandemic; I get it and love them even if we have no contact right now.

But, at times it has left me wondering if I have done something wrong or upset them in some way. I lived in an abusive situation for some years and the long term consequence of that is that I still carry a sense of everything being my fault (that was what I was led to believe at the time). I have mostly moved on and healed; but there are still little niggles in my mind at times like this, “Was it it something I said or did? Did I forget to do something for them? Am I boring? Are they just fed up of me? Was I too demanding of them?”

So I find myself trying not to be a problem to anyone or placing a demand on them. And sometimes I actually physically hide from people. I feel silly writing this, but I do hide from people so I am going to admit it.

What if I might have brightened the day of the person that I hid from? What if the person I didn’t message, was feeling low and a little hello from me would have put a smile on their face for a few minutes?

Starting from now, I am going to fight the urge to hide and try to bring a little light to someone’s darkness; like the tiny flowers in my photo did for me today. I am a work in progress though, so there may be a few hiccups along the way!

Published by N Hadley

Single parent to children with additional/special needs. Interested in eco friendly and frugal living, and recently exploring minimalism as a way to express my Christian faith.

3 thoughts on “Hiding

  1. As someone who knows you well, I know that it’s very unlikely to be your fault…. you are one of the most undemanding people I know. I can totally relate to hiding away from people. We bumped into someone in the supermarket the other day and I just wanted to run. Thankfully they just spoke to Handsome Hubby and didn’t even look my way. It feels selfish but also is a survival tactic. I haven’t been shielding but I have made my world very small as you know. It can take time to adjust to be around people again. Sometimes I have avoided meeting people because I just don’t know what I’d talk to them about and I don’t want to really talk about myself, or I simply lack the energy. I nearly backed out of meeting someone I see regularly yesterday because I just panicked – no reason for it – just did. I feel selfish and guilty about this but just can’t always cope. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re an amazing person and mum. Well Done for being brave and wanting to make this change. The people who know you and love you, know you and love you so if they’ve gone quiet, it’s probably about them rather than you. Thanks for sharing this – especially what you shared about being abused and how it makes you think now…. It was insightful. We want so much to make a difference in the world don’t we? Big love and hugs to you xxx

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